From a Mouse To A Swan (part 8)

I am awaiting handover on my ward. The nurse in charge comes to me saying that I need to go to another ward. This is no surprise and in fact I am getting used to it. I arrive into another ward where I have never worked. I will be working with a female nurse who will be in charge once the Sister goes home. Sister is still in her office finishing some work. I sit in on handover and to be honest I am quite unsure what capacity I am here as. Nurse or care assistant? I am informed in handover that there have been many new patients been admitted today and all the paperwork has not been done. I state that I could help out but as soon as I state this I am told abruptly that because I am not from this ward I will not know the paperwork. I get a feeling I will be a care assistant. I should be a nurse not a care assistant. Although, I was asked to be here as a care assistant I am quickly used as just an extra pair of hands. Whatever role. I quickly got on and started dispensing drugs and taking observations. Then I helped get everyone settled for the night. I was fairly exhausted quickly. The heat in the ward was unbelievable. I felt dehydrated really quickly. My mouth became dry and I could barely talk as my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. The heat was outrageous! I started to get a headache and looked for a water dispenser. There was nothing to drink! The kitchen was a good bit away. I went in to the changing room to get my bottle of water out my bag and took a big long drink.


There is No Water in the Sahara Desert, it is a Mirage.

It felt like I had walked across the Sahara desert. I felt the life force come back to me as I took a drink from my strawberry flavoured water. I decided to take my water out on to the battle front with me as there was no water dispenser and the heat would no doubt make me thirsty again. I wrote my name on the bottle and placed it in a corner on the nurses’ station. I then heard a voice from the male care assistant who sounded very rough round the edges. His voice was enough to cut down a rainforest. He said ‘Oi can’t leave that there.’ I turned around to see this little guy who behaved like he was my boss. He said ‘we don’t put water bottles on the desk’. I mentioned that I am thirsty and it is too hot to work. He told me that I will need to go to the kitchen, changing rooms or wait until break. I thought a moment about responding and then thought that I do not want to upset the wards rotten apple cart so I went back to put the water back in my bag. I took another drink before putting it back. I carried on working and it was not long before I was thirsty again. I tried to ignore it. The ward was really busy and there was a very ill patient who the doctors were huddled around while discussing their plans for him. They asked me if I was looking after the patient. I said I was tonight. They pleaded with me to ensure I get him eating something, such as jelly or custard, they said they have already spoken to ward staff about this and nothing has been done about it. The patient had a rare condition and if he didn’t eat anything before tomorrow they were planning on taking the patient to ICU. Due to the condition of the patient he could not have a nasogastric feed, which is a tube that is passed down the nasal passages into the stomach. The doctors were quite clear about their decision and they looked a little annoyed. The outlook for the patient was really not great and the patient had lost a lot of weight. I continued with all my work and it was very busy. I had checked this patients oxygen levels and noted that his levels were actually good. I spoke to the doctors to ask if it was worth trying a period without the oxygen as this may be drying up the patients’ mouth and it may encourage the patient to eat and drink. The patient could not have nasal cannulae, which are the little tubes for oxygen to go up the nose; this was also due to the patient’s condition. Instead the patient had a big oxygen mask and he kept pushing it off anyway. The doctors were consultants from ICU and asked me to try him off the oxygen for a few hours to see how he gets on. I kept checking and he was fine.


Smeagol Will Show You the Way

The care assistant came through and actually shouted at me, saying, ‘we have all had strict instructions to keep this oxygen mask on, you need to put it back?’ I stated that I had spoken to the doctors and they asked me to try him without it. He said, but you don’t know the patients, I have been here for years and I have been told to keep you right’. I couldn’t not be bothered with his manner, he reminded me of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings, so I just walked away dealing with the patients. I picked up some custard from the fridge and took it back to the patient who I had to get eating. I managed to get the patient to eat a few spoonfuls to begin with and I said to the patient that he really needs to eat. I said that I knew it was painful but it will get easier. The patient ate most of the custard but he was obviously in some pain. I went out a bay and had forgotten some notes and walked back into another bay. I could hear the care assistant and the nurse behind the curtains with a patient. They must have thought I was not there. They were discussing how lazy I was; they stated my name and the ward I was from. I thought, ‘did I really hear right?’ I almost spoke the words out loud. I sneaked back in and yes, they were talking about me, he mentioned also how I tried to leave my water on the desk and that I had taken the oxygen mask off when it should be left on. They were as loud as trumpets and as bold as brass.


Intelligent Science Is Not All Rockets

I had not seen much of the nurse but she appeared with a big sized bumble bee in her bonnet. She said that maybe I should help her with her paperwork. I looked through their paperwork and noticed there were quite a few sheets I would not know about. I filled in what I could but there was a lot missed out. I told the nurse I filled out what I could. She started getting angry saying, ‘it is not rocket science.’ You know that phrase, ‘it is not rocket science?’ Well it must be one of my most hated phrases. Nurses use it all the time. Whoever came up with this phrase should be sent away to live alone on a desert island with only boxes of salt and vinegar crisps to survive on to dry up their mouth from stupid phrases. Some of these phrases enter our language by the back door and suddenly everyone thinks it is cool to use them. Just like ‘24/7’, people used it in their droves and now they were using, ‘it is not rocket science’ in an attempt to make others feel less than intelligent, while they stand there smug with folded arms. Here is some news; it is not rocket science to use this phrase. Some of the best scientists of all time were never quite ‘rocket scientists.’ Aristotle’s natural science research includes botany, zoology, physics, chemistry and meteorology, geometry as well as others. Sir Isaac Newton was a physicist, astronomer and philosopher. Galileo was also viewed as the father of science. It is not rocket science to go along with the bleating sheep mentality to use a phrase that everyone is using. The fact is I did not know this paperwork and I admitted that I did not know it because this ward was not my speciality and face it; there was paperwork here there for the sake of paperwork. Talk about complete overlap of information. Who has time to come up with these hair brained ideas? Yes you guessed it, managers! They sit in their office saying, ‘I am bored let me design some more paperwork for the nurses and it will make me look like I am doing my job. I may even get promotion.’ Rubbish, put it in the bin and get out there to help the nurses actually care for the patients! Another thing, these ward cultures come from none other than managers. Managers decide that nurses must become dehydrated because they are not allowed to place a stupid water bottle on a desk. Where are the managers at 8pm after we have done a twelve and a half hour shift? It is also managers that decide how many nurses are required for a ward despite the fact that wards are utterly understaffed. It is us to blame when we do not have enough arms to care for all our patients at the same time. It is us they come to when they wish to find petty faults in our work while they stand there making out they are so perfect. Is it then the managers that have created this bullying culture that seems to be acceptable all over nursing?


Did You Hear Me NHS? It’s Called Bullying!!!!

I go from ward to ward to see a repeat of this behaviour again and again. This is no coincidence that I have just landed in bad wards. I must add, it may be normal to them but I can categorically state that this behaviour is called bullying. What will they do if I take my secret camera in and film it? Who knows maybe I will do just that. Anyway, I carry on with my shift and now start being task driven by the nurse and her sidekick care assistant as though I have no brain. One way to undermine you is to ask in the sugary coated little voice, ‘are you new?’ I have been asked this over and over again by female nurses who should have ‘I am evil' tattooed on their forehead. Their nasty demeanour says it all when their fake personality drops and they moan about their colleagues and patients in front of everyone. Nice people! Women are often in the caring field but this does not automatically make them a caring person, in fact Florence Nightingale once said

“Women have no sympathy and my experience of women is as large as Europe”.

I end up with so many tasks that I can hardly keep up. The buzzers also ring and I answer these too. The nurse is not nice to me after listening to little Smeagol. The nurse turns into wormtongue. I now turn into Théoden and feel weakened. I must also look pale. I am so exhausted and I feel dehydrated. I go into the treatment room and hold on to the worktop as I go dizzy and almost faint. I feel sick! A doctor who is in there asks if I am alright. I tell her I will be in a minute. She said I looked very dehydrated and I should get some water. I go back to the changing room and take my water bottle out and empty the contents. I fill it up again from the water in the kitchen and go back to the desk with it and place it back in the corner. I need to drink; it is as simple as that. I place it in a corner well out of sight and carry on with my work. Twenty minutes later I discover the bottle in the bin. I ask who put my water in the bin. I was told that the policy in the ward is that any water bottles found on the desk are to be put in the bin. They were carrying out their orders. No wonder patients are neglected when wards concern themselves with petty nonsense,

“He who by profession has become a slave of trivial details is the victim of
bureaucracy.”

Gramsci, Antonio.


Who’s Bad?

My night is busy without doubt and made more difficult by constant sniping remarks. I choose not to answer back but find myself getting annoyed. The doctors come around to see the ill patient and she is not to go to ICU just yet. I feel pleased for her. Fifteen minutes prior to the end of my terrible shift I am beckoned by Wormtongue, while Smeagol, stands around smirking and looking on, obviously in on what is about to be said to me. I go into the Sisters office, but this is no Sister I am standing in this room with. She asks again how long I have been trained but she already knows. She also knows that I have lots of other qualifications and experience because we have already discussed this. She has given herself a promotion while Sister is at home in bed. She goes on saying that my practice is terrible. I admit inside my head that it would be better if I could be given some actual nurse experience instead of constantly being used as a care assistant and undermined all the time. As a student nurse, I was given the task of care assistant, porter, tea maker and receptionist. Very rarely a nurse! I would ask nurses, ‘can I do that for experience?’ I would either be ignored or told to do something else. I eventually got my book signed but with the very minimum input from other nurses. What incentives did nurses have to help students anyway? Being a nursing student is a very fine balancing act on a very thin line. If I did not do what the nurses asked, my book would not be signed. As a bottom rung band 5 nurse, Agenda for Change does not recognise all my skills, I am a uniform doing the job, not a human being with skills and qualities. I could also do without sniping comments and have some positive feedback for a change. Positive feedback is not around in the NHS. When the positive feedback courses were handed out, the NHS were not around because they were too busy in meetings handing over the public’s hospitals to private companies. Nurses on the bottom rung of this two rung ladder are constantly told how bad we are, so perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I must be bad!


I Am A Swan!

Wormtongue was grinding me down. Inside me the pressure was building, just like the balloon that has been blown up too much and is in danger of popping, I too thought I would pop. It was time to let out some air before I did and it appeared from nowhere. Like the lioness who snaps at the hand of anyone touching her cubs, it was very quick and I surprised myself. I said, ‘how dare you condemn my practice and if you have any complaints then you need to get your boss to speak to mine.’ I told her that I was not perfect but I worked very hard while feeling ill with dehydration. I asked if this was the end of my shift and she replied that it was. I turned around and snapped, ‘GOOD’. I saw her face look startled and I walked out the door, leaving her standing there motionless, like someone had just poured quick drying cement on her. I saw Smeagol standing rubbing his slimy little hands, awaiting the outcome. I smiled a grin but not at him, I was going home, I was free once more. I had several days off and I was going to live life to the full. No more dwelling on this, no more little timid mouse, I was changing into a swan. I have many mores steep mountains to climb. I walk out feeling like a soldier going to battle on the bullies. For once, I feel, confident, I feel like me.
I turn my music up in the car. I listen to a song called Into a Swan
What in the world is happening?
What in the world could this be?
I'm on the verge of an awakening
A new kind of strength for me
I feel a force I've never felt before
I don't want to fight it anymore
Feelings so strong can't be ignored
I burst out - I'm transformed
Rising up, shaking it off
The yesterday dreary
Graceful and strong, No more forlorn
Today's a jubilee
Don't be surprised
This change is my design
I feel a force I've never felt before
I don’t want to fight it anymore
Feelings so strong can't be ignored
I burst out - I'm transformed
I feel a force I've never felt before
I can't hold it down I've just got to soar
And laugh in the face that is vulture law
I burst out, I'm transformed
I feel a force I've never felt before
I don't want to fight it anymore
Feelings so strong can't be ignored
I burst out - I'm transformed
I feel a force I've never felt before
I can't hold it down I've just got to soar
And laugh in the face that is vulture law
I burst out - I'm transformed
I burst right out - Into a swan
I burst out into a swan
by Siouxsie