It is past midnight and I can hear cheering.I walk up through the close and all my friends who said they would wait for me have gone. I knew they were drunk but not that drunk. I felt lonely and scared, I was all alone. I look up the hill to the big clock and see swarms of people all cheering, arms swaying in the air, staggering in drink induced happiness. I am not happy for I am alone. I walk up the hill towards
the big clock, cars drive by and their tyres are noisy on the cobbled roads and I am splashed as a car’s tyres trundle though a puddle. A man stands in a door way which has kilts in the window; he holds a cigarette and turns to me saying, ‘have you got a light miss?’ I reply by saying, ‘I am sorry but I do not smoke.’ ‘I see you are alone’ he says. I think for a minute and reply,‘no, my friends are up beside the clock.’ ‘You do not want to be alone tonight girl’, he states. I just ignore him and continue walking up the hill. I try to walk through the crowd as some of them try to shake my hand. A few of them jeer me, as I must look unhappy. ‘Cheer up hen, it’s no that bad,' one very straggly looking man states. I push my way through them all and walk down a banana shaped road with row upon row of shops. There are hardly any people in this street. I hear footsteps and look behind me. It is the man that asked me for a light. I am really frightened I just know he is following me.
Out of Breath
I walk faster and I hear his pace pick up too. If I run he will know that I am aware of him. I must run it is my only way to escape. I run down the hill towards a small roundabout and run across the road. I look around and see the man run too. I must find a taxi but there are few and they are all full up tonight. I am now running up a hill and my legs feel heavy. I look up and see a big monument which looks quite eerie and black. I keep on running and get to a big street with people swaying around, they all look drunk. Nobody takes any notice of me. I turn around and the man is gaining on me. My legs have become so heavy and I just can’t run anymore I cough and am out of breath. The man grabs my arm. ‘Where are you going miss?’ he asks. ‘Just let me go,’ I reply. He goes into his pocket and I see something shine in his hand. ‘If you want to be safe you need to come with me, make any noise and you will regret it’ I am so scared I try to shout, I see his face peering over mine in anger. I wake up and do not know where I am, it is very dark. I can’t see the usual streetlights. I lie still wondering where I am. If I am elsewhere I will soon know. I lift out my arm and reach over to find my phone. I grab it tightly as I know I am safe at home. I sigh with relief. I have had another bad dream. I lie back but wonder why there are no lights outside. I get up and turn on my light switch but it does not come on. I search for my torch which I keep on top of a cupboard for such emergencies. I switch on the torch and see the man who was chasing me in the light. I jump up out of bed, as I see the familiar street lights out my window.My nightmares are getting worse. I wander through to my kitchen, open the fridge door and take the milk out and pour it into a glass. I sit at my kitchen table and worry at how bad my nightmares have become. I wonder what they mean. I glance over at the clock, it is now 4am. I am too frightened to go back to sleep in case I get another bad dream. I switch on the radio and read my book while I sit on the couch; the cat sits on my lap. I suddenly wake up with the radio saying that it is 6am. Oh no, I will be late. I jump up and get ready.
Back Shift
I wander through the hospital and I bump into Elias the porter. I ask him where he has been. He says, ‘my back is injured with pushing the trolleys, I have been off sick.’ I feel sorry for him he always looks tired and unwell. Porters are on such poor pay and their work is so hard, they must walk miles every day. Their work is so undervalued. I tell him it is good to see him as we part company. I walk into a ward and I can smell pooh as soon as I enter. I hear a voice shout, ‘you are late, we start earlier in this ward.’ I say that nobody informed me but it falls on deaf ears as the nurse says go through into that room and listen to the taped handover.
I wander into a dusty old room and listen to a tape with many abbreviations and the nurse speaking could not talk any faster if she tried. I keep stopping the tape and rewinding it to try to get the information. I eventually give up. I wander through this very old looking ward. I am told I need to work with another nurse. I introduce myself and the nurse is pleasant back but is very flustered. I feel a bit lost as they are a bit through their morning already. I wander into a room to help a patient eat breakfast. The patient sighs at me as I do not feed her the way she likes to be fed. I quickly apologise and tell her that I am new. I take the patients plate out and place it on the trolley. The care assistant stands there and just stares at me but says nothing. I smile and say hello to her, she says hello back but with a very blank face. I hear that she has been there a long time. She clearly has no time for me and moans at me when I do not do as she instructs me. She said to me, ‘go and do this.’ As I always understood it I am not a care assistants’, assistant but I do not mind working as a team and I understand care assistants can be lovely people too. If she had asked me in a respectful manner I may have helped her out. I see her wander up to a nurse and I hear the nurse shout, ‘aye, is that right, we will see about that!’
Old Acquaintances
The nurse comes up to me and says, ‘Doreen wants your help, why did you refuse?' I feel awkward and do not want to rock the boat and say, ‘alright, I will help her.’ We get patients up and dressed, the care assistant orders me about and I feel very dumb. I feel my brain wanting to close off and I just want to go home. Everything I say is ignored by the care assistant. She wears brown epilates and is clearly very overweight. She orders me as though I am stupid. She rolls her eyes at me and is clearly aggressive. How did I get into this mess I think? Why exactly did I go to university to be ordered around by an overweight fascist with no education and her brown epilates are clearly quite appropriate. She sits at the nurses’ station and munches her way through a whole tin of Roses chocolates while talking about her son’s impending wedding to the other very interested nurses. One nurse is very young and looks at me now and again but tries very hard to be involved in the conversation in order to be accepted. The young nurse moans at me too as I try to find essential nursing resources in the cupboards. I am feeling more and more stupid. How soon they all forget they were once new here too. I am relived as I go for my breaks and I avoid the staff room as I am bored with hearing about Doreen’s son’s wedding. I wander into the canteen and see nurses from the old wards I escaped from. I feel awkward here too. I meet an old university colleague here but we just exchanged simple pleasantries as he seems immersed amongst his colleagues. The last time I saw him was just yesterday, he had moved wards because he hated it after all. I asked him if he was enjoying his new job but he said he hates that too and is looking for something else away from nursing. It reassures me I am not alone but confirms my theory that the current nursing culture is very bad indeed and is in need of an overhaul.
Beauty and the Beast
I watch the nurses as they show lack of care or respect for their patients or relatives let alone new colleagues like me. Nursing was never meant to be like this. Surely there is care and compassion and admittedly they are short staffed and overworked but in this ward at least and it may be true for others the aggressive care assistants are in charge.I, at least will remain true to who I am, remembering back to my dream many weeks ago with the elderly lady at the shore who told me to be myself. In my care at least I do all I can for patients and speak to them not like another patient but like a unique individual with a set of needs. I smile at my patients even although I feel bad in this environment. I make enemies because I am going against the tide of their normal culture and they hate me for it. Doreen does not get my respect or my interest in her son’s wedding. When I go home my mind is on what I could have done better to care for my patients. I listen to a lovely piano solo on my car stereo. In all things ugly there is always beauty. I take out my rubbish bins when I get home and relax reading my book.
