It is 15.30 and I need to get up for my night shift. I stare over at the flashing red lights on my alarm clock wishing I could lie here just extra few hours more. I haven’t slept well, I was on day shift just a day ago and my body clock has not adjusted at all. I will need to try to have something to eat before work and I find it hard to eat through the night. It seems so abnormal. I eat some pasta and throw some fruit into my bag. I drive through the dark city as it all winds down for another night. It is cold and I turn up the heating in my car. I have my music to wake me up but I am tired and wonder how I will get through tonight. I stare up at a shining star that looks so lonely I also feel quite alone here but I know deep inside I am gaining strength to fight on. I get to the car park entrance and notice that spaces are few. I wander up the stairs feeling the dread build up with each step. I go into the ward but it is quiet and the smell of finished cooked food hits my nostrils. I see relatives sitting around beds like they were sitting around a camp fire gaining warmth, realising how precious these people in beds really are. A relative looks up at me and smiles saying goodbye to me as he walks gingerly out the door. I do not know this man but I am a nurse and my duty is to be happy and polite even though sometimes I feel miserable. I say goodbye to this relative I may not know him but I do not know his pain either and for that reason I have to be polite.
I sit in handover listening to this god awful tape with blurry sounds and no way of understanding spellings and pronunciations. I hope nobody sees my handover sheet. I beg anyone to listen to a tape of anyone speaking and try to copy down what is being said. Let’s face it, we are a multi-cultural society and I do not know spellings of names from many other cultures by someone attempting to pronounce it on a blurry tape. Print outs are better and accurate. I go out on to the ward; I need to look after eighteen patients with another nurse and a care assistant which seems not too bad. One patient is quite ill though and may not get through the night and another patient has just been diagnosed with cancer. I get the patients settled for the night and the male patient who was diagnosed with cancer sits staring blankly into the air. My instinct wants to walk away from him because it means confronting the situation and I know that his situation will hurt me inside too because I guess I am very empathic. My nature however, tells me it is my duty to speak to him and spend time with him. You know when someone gets a diagnosis like this it is always the small little things that make life for the patients hard. I list many support groups but I sit on the chair by the bed understanding the patient and what he is going through. He does not have children but always wanted them and so many things in his life are left unfulfilled. I can’t make everything right but I can be there and that’s all that matters. I know I have other patients to attend but I need to give this patient my attention too. He does not look ill but inside his head is swirling like a tornado and I need to put some calm in there to be able to help him think rationally. We are nurses, taught to care for the physical ailments of pain but of the psychological pain many nurses do not know how, but it is our duty to be there.
The patient breaks down in tears and I wish I could wave a wand and make it all better but I can’t and so I am filled with his pain in this same room. I am sharing his pain, it rips me apart. I give so much more of me than what I get in my pay. I should cut off from the hurt of people’s pain but I am definitely human and I have a duty. I sigh with a heavy heart as I walk slowly out his room; he is only thirty years old, and why is life so cruel?
Sleeping Salvation
All the patients are asleep now or at least I think so. I wander back and forward in the night looking at the patients. It is time for my hour break at 3.00am and I go to the staff room. I set my alarm on my phone and sit on the chair and accidentally nod off. Abruptly, a big nurse walks in shouting that there is to be no sleeping in the staff room. I awake suddenly, to see an overweight nurse shouting at me about sleeping. Hang on I think, this is my hour, I am not being paid for it and I am not on duty. I ask her what I have done wrong. She said that if I was needed in a hurry I would not be fit. I said that I am not being paid and did not need to go back to work until the end of my break. I said that if this was day shift I could be in the staff canteen for an hour and no-one could get me there. I also said that I did not sleep well in the day time which is quite common for those on night shift. The nurse mumbled something back at me but to be honest I did not care.
Breaks are For Resting!
Night shifts are strange because nobody admits to needing a sleep but everyone is tired and nobody admits to sleeping on their breaks in case they get into trouble but many nurses do it. Oh dear, I have given away a little secret. It is obviously more productive to have nurses that power nap on their break because they will be more refreshed. It has been scientifically proven that power naps work and are more productive. I mean, many nurses still need to give out drugs in the early morning after a twelve and a half hour shift. I know if I was to get drugs from a nurse who had been awake all night I would rather it was from the one that had the power nap.
I go back to the ward feeling better for my nap and see that there is a patient who is not too well. The other nurse was not aware. I tell her that the patient looks ill and I check observations. Observations say it all; the patient is not to be resuscitated as he would not make it anyway. I hold his hand and stroke his forehead as he passes away very peacefully. The relatives are on their way already. We deal with the patient in the usual manner and get him ready for visitors. Other patients sleep through the night oblivious to the events. The other nurse yawns as she shoves in crisps to her mouth like a steam train needing coal for fuel. As for me, I have slept and am wide awake and have made do with fruit all night. We dish out drugs in the morning and check patient observations. We ensure that our fluid balance charts are done and that patients are comfortable. After handover, I walk along the ward and each patient thanks me for my care. The patient with cancer speaks to me and shows hurt in his face. He taps me on my arm awkwardly saying thanks for my kindness. He has tears in his eyes and I know I must go. I wander down the stairs and pick up a newspaper as I leave. It is cold outside but it is sunny again and it hurts my eyes but it feels good.
