Be your shelf
It’s raining! The big wet drips hit the ocean like bombs. I stand at the shore looking out. Each drip has a sound of its own making the rain noisy but like a song. A man comes up to me and asks what I am doing. To be honest I do not know. I watch the sea swirl and the wind blows through my blond hair which is getting long now and blows across my face into my mouth. I look out and see someone on a boat, they are being thrown about and the sea is very stormy. An elderly lady comes up to me in a red waterproof anorak and asks me the time. I look for my watch but it is gone. ‘I do not know the time,’ I say. I look into her face and it is a patient that I cared for but she had died. I look into her eyes and they are big and blue. The lady looks very well. I ask her what happened to her. She says, ‘don’t worry dear, I am alright, you helped me come here and my family are with me but I am concerned about you.’ I said, ‘oh I am alright too.’ The lady said, it’s ok dear I know how it is don’t be scared, I am not one of them, you can be yourself, it’s so important to be yourself.’ I can’t be myself,’ I said, if I do I am doomed.’ The voice grew deeper saying, ‘be who you are.’ Me, how could I be me? I awoke and my mum was shouting at me. ‘Mum what are you doing?’ I shouted. ‘I stupidly stayed with you last night and your shelf has fallen down on your bed.’ My mum said. ‘You are lucky it did not land on your head.’ My shelf, myself, I think! I lie there for a few seconds thinking about my dream. I have books lying on top of me and one falls to the floor as I turn around. I hear my mum pottering about, what a bad idea having her over because my house will be rearranged again. ‘Forks on the left, knives to the right in the cutlery drawer.’ she always says. ‘You need to go in there and you need to tell these people what for.’ ‘Yeah, what does that mean exactly?’ I say, as I switch the television on. ‘Tell them that you are not taking the bullying anymore.’ Who exactly do I say this too?’ ‘Your boss, or her boss,’ she replied. She just does not understand, if only it was that easy. The fact is my boss is bullying me, how can I say? Bullying is normal in nursing. How wrong, how sad, that in a caring field it is normal to be bullied. My mum has ironed my uniform and it feels like cardboard as I get changed for my shift. My mind wanders back to my dream. I know I can’t be myself in nursing because they will bully me all the more. I need to appear like them. I wander through the corridors of the hospital and I bump into Elias the porter. He asks how I have been and I smile in my usual way. I tell him I am alright and he asks how Sister Poppins is treating me. He has a cunning smile as he asks about her, he says he has been in her ward a few times recently and she was moaning at him about taking so long. Elias never says a bad word about anyone; he wears typical porter clothes for the NHS, blue trousers and light blue top. He always looks tired. He shrugs his shoulders and says that he hopes I have a good day. We part in opposite directions. I make my way to the ward and as I walk in, there is the usual smell which is quite distinctive to my ward but there is also an overpowering smell of coffee. I go past the nurses’ station and Sister Poppins looks up at me, I still smile and feel stupid for doing so but let my smile fade away under a cloud. She does not say anything to me, nor does she smile back. She still stares at me as though she were about to tell me something bad but she doesn’t. She watches me walk past her. My gaze turns from her to the office door which I open with a heavy heart.
“Don’t be Horrid Henry.”
As I open the door, I see a familiar nurse auxiliary. I am so pleased to see a face I know, it can make my day better. He has a little mischievous grin and is often up to childish jokes but he is not nasty. He reminds me of the children’s cartoon character Horrid Henry. After handover he works with me with my patients. We get the patients up and make the patients beds. He talks incessantly joking the whole time. He is laughing saying that he needs to pull a prank on Sister Poppins. He laughs calling her scary Mary. He said the last time he was here she was shouting at him for leaving the toilet light on. She has signs on all the lights that they must be switched off. In fact she has signs everywhere, on cupboards and walls. One sign reads that tea and coffee is for patient use only, meaning staff need to take in their own. Another sign reads big lists of duties that staff must carry out on night duty which is stuck on every available wall. On the desk there is a sign that staff must not place any drinks there. We get on with our work and it is nice to have a laugh. The patients smile too, they really cheer up when there is someone who is very friendly. I hear this voice shouting, yoo hoo over here dear. I go over to a patient and she says, ‘I do not want to cause a fuss with my hotel bill but I think they have overcharged me.’ I smile and say do not worry your stay in hospital here is free.’ She says that I must take something and she will have her secretary write me up a cheque. Then she turns and asks what is on the hotel menu and will she need to dress for dinner. I look at her face and she has been eating chocolate after chocolate and it is all over her face. I ask if she would like a shower this morning. She keeps going on that the service in this hotel is wonderful. I just smile and know that she is confused but at least she is happy. She has various pictures beside her of her family. I look at the pictures and wonder how her life once was before she became ill.
More Water Please!
We organise many patients and the heat in the ward builds up. I am so dehydrated. I feel a little faint and stop what I am doing. Horrid Henry says he will get me a drink of water. He comes back a few minutes later saying that if I want water I will need to walk to the kitchen. Mary Poppins would not allow him to bring me some water. I go to the kitchen feeling light headed. I always wished we had a water dispenser on the ward; it’s such a basic need. I drink lots of water until I feel myself return to normal. I take my lip balm out my pocket and put it on. Because I have been so dehydrated and it is so hot I need to carry lip balm around to stop my mouth becoming dry. It is known as one of the basic essentials of nursing by many nurses. I go back to my patients but Sister Poppins stops me. She tells me that I should never walk away from my patients. I inform her that I was dehydrated and Horrid Henry tried to bring me some water. She said that there is no eating or drinking on duty in ward areas. She said that in future if I require a drink then I must ask permission to leave the ward. I know she is just picking on me and I look up at her and want to say something but know I can’t. I go back to my patients. Sister Poppins keeps coming through to check on me and keeps telling me off for little silly things. I really can’t take this ward anymore. Horrid Henry says, ‘don’t worry about her, I will get her back.’ ‘What do you have in mind?’ I say. He just laughs, he is an enigma. The day passes over with all patients doing well and a few will be going home in the morning, which is good. It’s always the nicer side of nursing.
Honest it wasn’t me.
Before my tea I need to go to an office to collect my pay slip, Horrid Henry is already on his break and another nurse will be covering for me. Sister Poppins has just left. I realise I am walking behind her in the corridor but she is still a little distance away. I then hear shouting, ‘Sister Scary Mary, Sister Scary Mary.’ It’s a non-descript voice and I look around but nobody is there. In fact, nobody is now in the corridor other than Sister Poppins and me. The voice gets bigger, ‘Sister Scary Mary!’ Sister Poppins turns around and sees me walking behind her. ‘Oh no’ I thought, she thinks that was me shouting. Sister Poppins stands for a second looking horribly at me and then walks away. This is not funny. I go back to the ward and Horrid Henry has finished early, so I don’t know if that was him shouting.
And they’re off
Sister has introduced taped handovers on the ward. They have become the new ‘in thing’. I really hate taping my voice and allowing others to hear it. Why tapes? Sister said that it is a breach of confidentiality having handover sheets. These are sheets of paper given to each nurse on duty prior to going on the ward to work. It informs the nurses about the patients and has basic information on it to ensure continuity of care. Handover sheets when done correctly fit nicely into the pocket and are a little bible to keep nurses right throughout the day; we can tick things off and add to them as the day goes on. The crazy thing is that everyone listens to a handover on a tape and takes notes, creating their own improvised handover sheet anyway. The situation is worse on tape and information can be lost. Nurses wanting to get home as quickly as possible speak as quickly as they can. It is like listening to commentary for a horse race as the nurse gets quicker and quicker. ‘And they are coming up to the finishing post and little Mrs Smith has developed a leg ulcer.’ It’s often hard to hear anything and taking down basic names and much information can be lost or misinterpreted. Nurses from other countries say that they hate the tapes because often English is not their first language and they are self conscious about their voice on tape and often they find it hard to understand the fast handover. I just want the handover sheets back with any updates vocalised personally to the nurses taking over. If it works don’t fix it, as they say. I go home into my car, its cold, its dark and I am exhausted. I hate my job. I need to look for something else. I think about what other opportunities I could have. I think about a nice little desk job or even just working in a shop. Anything has to be better than this. I start to think about the little elderly lady in my dream. She said that I need to be myself. I love caring for people but I just can’t do it because of the bullying. I need to hide the real me in my job. The real me is the caring person who is the real nurse. I am a nurse hiding behind the wall I have built to protect me. When the bullying can be stopped I will knock my wall down and the Angel of the NHS will be revealed.
